The TRUE Mystery Of Life
47Okay, I’m going in.
I’m tough. I know I can take it.
I’m determined. When I flex my arms, I’ve got huge muscles.
Okay, that last one wasn’t true. My muscles aren’t huge, but they’re there.
Somewhere.
I’m sure of it.
With or without Mr. Universe-size muscles, I’m going in. Starting today, I am going to eat healthy. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t sit out on my porch swing all day, eating donuts and sipping Mai Tais. I do pretty well with healthy eating. I love herbal tea, and I grow a garden packed full of organically-grown vegetables. I fry in olive oil. Things like that. But I have an admission to make. I have a weakness. Yes, I said it. A weakness. What is it? It is…. donuts. They’re so soft and melt-in-your mouth sweet, with---
NO MORE DONUT TALK.
From this point on, I am a healthy eater. Forever. Okay, maybe not forever. After all, we’re not talking marriage, we’re talking food. I’ll aim for…a week. That’s pretty close to forever in my book.
This isn’t the first time I’ve ever tried eating healthy, you know. I tried it a few years ago. How long ago was it? Let’s just say that there had only been one president named George Bush. I’m going to make an admission. Vegans cover your ears. I like meat. If I can’t eat something that at least resembles meat, I begin to feel deprived. When I first attempted to eat healthy food, the pyramid was even fruitier than it is now, with more vegetables on it. So I decided, why not try things that are full of nutritious veggies, but taste like the full-bodied meat I love? (Yes, those people can sure write great ads, can’t they? What’s scary is how the phrases stay with us over the years.)
So I stocked up on veggie burgers. They were great. I thought I would make it. Then one day I was walking past a fast food place. Ever walk past one of those places when you’re hungry? Especially the chicken places. The smell of food cooking is enough to drive a person to madness.
I made it past the food establishment and went home. I faithfully ate an apple while my veggie burger was cooking. I fixed it up with all the trimmings, preparing to sit down to a great lunch. Then I picked up my wonderful veggie burger and walked out to the driveway. Throwing everything onto the ground, I began stomping on it. Yes, I squished that burger until it was no longer visible to the naked eye. How dare it claim to be a burger!
Afterward, I went and bought a bucket of chicken.
Healthy food now is much better in every way. It looks better, it tastes better, and there’s a wider variety. I might be able to eat healthy for, oh, several weeks.
But donuts are still my passion. I understand that health food can’t taste like a donut.
Couldn’t someone, somewhere, come up with health food that at least looks like a donut?
